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| It seems that the xanga really has died at this point. I don't think anybody has updated in a month or so, asside from Joey and myself.
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| Hellgate London is pretty sweet, and I have been talking to Jodi again. It was pretty much a false alarm. She left her cell phone at her apartment when she was sick (a prolonged vitamine deficiency O_O) and she had a hard time moving around to get to the phone in the house. She's doing good now and we goodz. Hellgate London is pretty sweet too (did I mention that?).
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| Jodi hasn't been talking to me in the last four days. I was kinda thinking it was because of the breakup, although after that she was calling me regularly. The weird thing was after the breakup she really liked talking to me, it's like the entire relationship with her started over and it was the first time we talked again. That kinda threw me for a loop as it's kinda hard for me to see us as not being together even though we talked every night for the next few days for hours. I think what she was really wanting was just a change of mindset, where she wouldn't be disappointed by me not being able to see her due to work and stuff as well as anything else that would otherwise make her feel really bad cause of the distance.
Anyways, I was starting to get worried and pretty anxious when she stopped calling. I didn't want to pester her with calls, so I waited, but even I tried contacting her Wednesday night but she didn't answer. I left my AIM on by accident last night and she left a message on there at around 2:30 saying that she was really sick >_<. I would call right now, but she is probably sleeping, but the time I normally call I'll probably be at work. I'm hoping she will see this message, but I'm not sure if she will stumble onto it.
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| I wanted to post something else up here that wasn't depressing and now I got something.
I don't know why there is all this whitespace on the outside there, cause I cropped it in photoshop, but whatev.
This is the rough of a logo I'm working for on my internship. It's for this custodial dispatch company. I've got a ways to go on it, for starters I need to work on my illustration to make it more logo like, then I'm going to have to find a way to make it look less like a logo on the left and an illustration on the right. Gotta simplify this crepe.
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| I've been meaning to post this a few days ago, but being busy with classwork/internship makes me pretty apathetic about posting during my free time. This also isn't the best of news to break to you guys either, so it's no wonder I've put it off for so long. I also kinda feel ashamed of it, and I also don't want to burden people with it or make them feel obliged to try to cheer me up. Normally I'm not one to reject sympathy, but in this situation I don't really want it.
I found out Sunday that Jodi has called it quits. Our relationship status the past few months was more of a temporary hiatus than anything else, but she recently decided that she was giving up on trying to make a long distance relationship work. Actually a lot of the "hiatus" stuff was just a way to delay telling me that. I guess I shouldn't have been so naive to think that there was a chance for it to work out given the situation in the first place. I've been pretty depressed over it (I was already a bit down prior, this was just the nail in the coffin), but you guys probably wouldn't be able to tell since I do such a good job distracting myself from it. I still haven't really come to terms with it all yet. Ironically the weather is a reflection of my current mood as well. It's been pretty shitty out this entire week.
Wicz is going to see Jodi this weekend, and that makes me feel very strange. Jodi originally said I could go see her, and I might have if it was by myself, but it was under the stipulation that Wicz comes too. Not that I have anything against Wicz, but it's pretty apparent that he is interested in her. The fact that seemingly the entire time with Jodi I've been having to deal with people trying to steal her away makes me feel pretty bitter about that situation even though Wicz wasn't trying to wedge himself between us like everyone else. I honestly don't have the energy to deal with the awkwardness of that situation.
I also hear Nick is trying to somehow weasel his way over there through various means, and that pisses me off to no end. It's not so much that I'm worried about anything happening if he got over there as much as it is the gall for him to do that. I do think it's funny that he probably thinks in his mind that he has a shot with her now that I'm out of the way, especially seeing how the breakup came about because of the distance.
All in all I've sorta kept this in the back of my mind. I don't like that empty feeling in your gut that thinking about all this conjures up. I have a mixture of almost every single bad emotion. I feel somewhat betrayed, I'm beating myself up over things in the past, I miss her, I'm just plain mad at the situation, I'm depressed by thinking about it, and so forth. It should be noted that while I feel betrayed that I haven't really, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.
I guess I should be more open with how I feel, but I just have a huge aversion to do it for this situation. Like I said before, I don't want sympathy or special treatment. I honestly would get angry if I see a massive amount of people posting stuff like "I'm so sorry" or "You're a great guy" or the cliche "there are plenty of fish in the sea." It's not that I would normally mind, but this isn't exactly rational, and I'm just being honest.
I've still been talking to her though, amidst all of this. I know that pretty much everyone would advise me not to, but I honestly don't want to avoid her for the sake of avoiding her. I also don't want people advising me on what I should do too, I should have mentioned that in the other paragraph. I still very much love her, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I know her very well, and I know that I'm one of the few people in her life that she is really close to. I'm not about to sever a cord to someone I love, even if it's not all recipricated, just because of some unwritten rule on relationships.
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